Recently, I noticed a pattern in my own behaviour and I like the insight about this here.

I’ve watched some videos regarding psychology. Namely, from Dr.K. he states that he has been trained to follow the path a conversation goes and trying to make sense of the path.

In the past days, I made something similar. About some part of decisions and the implication that comes with it. Most notably: Buy things.

My monitor broke down in the last year and I need some new screens. Hence, I start to look for a fitting replacement. Here is the catch. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wanted to haver a 4k Monitor.

Next things are that I start to look for all sort of monitor things, like HDR, 144Hz and 4k and suddenly the price for the monitor becomes high. But the real thing that is for what? I have on my to-do list to play the Witcher III with 4k.

That’s something that I might going to do, but it reflects only a fraction of the time I use this screen for. I read a lot, work and hacking on a terminal. For this, tasks I do not need 4k, hell not even 144Hz or HDR. So, why the fuck I do need to search for a monitor that costs 800 Euro?

Reflecting this fact more down, It turns out to be quite a pattern in my life. One that is causing me a lot of trouble, but is likewise a big source of my success.

My theories at the moment is that I want to have the best things to make sure to get the best out of money and time. It is a status symbol. Look eat my things how much it is worth. Therefore, I need to be important and valuable as well, right?

It’s a bit like buying an Apple device, you’re doing it mostly to project an image of wealth that you can afford it. It does not need to solve your problem, and that’s what you can see are these devices are made for.

This distracts me for the problem I actually want to solve. Instead, I get side-tracked and start to fuck up badly.

Another example is my laptop. I used to buy the massive and clumpy for what? I single use cases that never really came to be.

This can be even seen in the way I direct my attention to things: I’m 100% with you or completely not. Currently, I’m writing some fanfic and I notice how myself I’m planning to go down the entirety of the lore of that world to get every detail right and have a perfect story.

Or when I was younger and was thinking that only Free software should be allowed. Because otherwise it is not trustworthy.

All of these points to me to the same shortcoming: Self-worth.

I want others to see me as something of value, that it is worth spending time with me. The extremes in my decision-making help me to get the impression that I’m worth it. That my thinking is the right one because it when I feel it. When it is only 80%, it does not feel go because people might consider it inferior.

Does it solve the problem? Yes, but it is the inferior solution! You must be better.

Even this blog is a reflection of it, I think. However, likewise it helps me to grow and improve and that’s a good thing. Realizing this helps me to see my problem for what there are, and I’m trying to address. Maybe it will be better next year.