Yesterday, I wrote about a conflict with a friend and I like to reflect a bit on. In my experience are personal conflicts never directed towards someone, but toward the hurt feeling.
When you’re in pain it is understood by many that the offender is responsible for the pain and should fix it. But that’s incorrect. By thinking this way you put all the power into the other person. Yet, many expect a specific behavior now.
However, almost always the person did not intend to hurt you nor is he doing this with a purpose in mind. When they try to do, it is often a response to the same problem, they feel hurt and tries to return the favor. This can lead to a cycle of polarization.
Here is a problem now, because your reality is in mismatch with your expectation, but it is your job to cope with this! The person might have said something you perceive as true, but do not want to be true. We need to understand why or first of let the person know what’s going on. Why did it hurt, when did it start to be an issue?
Saying he’s in the wrong is sometimes necessary. However, the way this is done matters a lot. When you demand resentful for an apology not everyone like do it. Doing this from a perspective of a victim is inferior. We’re not on the same level anymore, and it becomes an uphill fight. Because it feels like to submit to from the other side and might cause more distress. I’ve learned lately, that it is important how we do things. More often than I like to.
It is part of the coping mechanism we develop over time. The major problem is that needs to be learned. It is a decision however that you’re making after or before a confrontation. The coping mechanism are often part of a bigger decision paths, meaning we’re going through various decision or responses made before the actual encounter. Only a few decisions are made by us in the giving moment.